comes home from work exhausted again. He crashes onto the living room sofa, takes a deep breath, and turns on his favorite show. All he wants to do is decompress in silence.
As if on cue, he hears the back door open. His wife is home, and somehow, she’s more chipper than ever. As she enters the room and removes her coat, she takes a moment to pause at the front window, saying, “What beautiful weather — it’s just lovely today.”
What should he do next? The answer, according to most relationship advice, may matter more than you think.
Dr. John Gottman has spent his career studying what makes or breaks relationships, and what he has discovered is as practical as it is important. Through his research, he has been able to identify what qualities and practices make a couple of masters of their relationship, as well as what can make a relationship turn into a disaster.
How emotional bids for attention make or break relationships
Gottman found a subtle but significant difference between the masters and disasters that strongly predicts the future of their relationships: in the small, everyday moments of life together, relationship masters are much more responsive to their partner’s attempts to engage with them.
These attempts at engagement, or emotional bids, are any effort on the part of one partner to connect or get their partner’s attention. These bids can be as glaringly obvious as a direct request for cuddling at bedtime or as subtle as an indirect comment about the weather addressed to no one in particular.
Gottman found that partners who consistently responded positively — or turned toward — each other’s emotional bids or the little things in a relationship were significantly more likely to feel satisfied and stay together over time than those who did not.
In a six-year study of newlyweds, Gottman discovered that couples who stayed together turned toward each other’s emotional bids 86 percent of the time. In contrast, those who went on to divorce turned toward each other’s bids only 33 percent of the time.
Over time, all of the little things in a relationship and seemingly insignificant moments of daily life become something of immense importance.
Gottman identified four different responses that people typically utilize when their partner sends an emotional bid in their direction. Each can support or tear down a relationship’s sense of togetherness and security. We can turn toward our partner, turn enthusiastically toward our partner, turn away from our partner, or turn against our partner.
In the introductory example, a husband, worn out from his day, receives an emotional bid from his wife when she comments about the weather. He has a choice: He can turn toward his wife with a short and simple “Yes, it is,” acknowledging her bid; he can turn enthusiastically toward her by engaging her in a longer conversation about the day; turn away from her by ignoring the comment; or turn against her by gruffly asking for some peace and quiet.
Although an enthusiastic response to an emotional bid is almost always appreciated, more often than not, a simple acknowledgment of your partner’s bid is enough to deepen your connection. You don’t have to deliver endless energy, attention, and focus on being a relationship master.
How do the little things in a relationship make such a big difference? By consistently turning toward your partner when they reach for you in small ways, you fortify your relationship against the stresses and obstacles of life.
Essentially, an emotional bid is a small way to ask our partners, “Are you here with me?” or, “Do I matter to you?”
The answer to these questions becomes even more important if there has been previous infidelity or if either partner has a history of trauma.
By receiving a metaphorical “Yes!” to these questions consistently throughout your relationship, you strengthen your trust and connection to each other.
Pay attention to the small ways your partner reaches for you and attempts to connect — intentionally looking for ways to turn toward your partner will help you be more effective in connecting with them. Every time you turn toward your partner in response to an emotional bid, you invest in the health and security of your relationship.
This sense of security, of feeling truly able to know and be known by your partner, created by intentionally and consistently turning toward your partner, deepens your shared sense of intimacy and is correlated with increased marriage satisfaction.
As Dr. Gottman reminds us in his work, it’s the small things done often that make the biggest difference in relationships.
By turning toward your partner’s emotional bids, you safeguard your relationship against disrepair and deepen the love you share.
10 ways women hurt men knowingly
Men, if you think you’ve got women all figured out, prepare for some surprises. Women are complex beings, and they can be quite unpredictable.
The person you think you know today may not be the same person you see tomorrow; and that’s just the way it is.
Women crave attention, love, and lots of it. They want to feel noticed and appreciated all the time. If you slip up on this even once, then you’re calling for trouble.
While some women may unintentionally do things that hurt their partners, others plan to do so deliberately. They set out to hurt your feelings and disrupt your life.
Here are 10 intentional things women do to hurt their men:
1. Complaining despite an honest effort
One way some women intentionally hurt their men is by complaining when their partners are genuinely making an effort.
This is often done to annoy or provoke a reaction. It may stem from a desire for more attention or a way to assert control within the relationship.
2. Not being present in the present moments
Frequently using a phone or being distracted when on a date is a behaviour that can hurt a man’s feelings.
It communicates a lack of interest or attentiveness, potentially causing emotional pain or frustration.
Some women would rather do this than tell the man she’s not interested.
3. Withholding compliments
Some women refrain from offering compliments even when their partners genuinely deserve them.
This can be a way to undermine a man’s self-esteem or keep him seeking validation, thus asserting a sense of power.
4. Not initiating intimacy
Intentionally avoiding initiating intimacy, especially when aware of their partner’s desires, can be a way to control the emotional dynamics in the relationship.
This may create a sense of longing and frustration in the man.
5. Hiding things, like food
Hiding things, such as food, can be a manipulative tactic used to gain financial advantage.
By creating a situation where the man believes there is scarcity, some women may attempt to extract more money from him.
6. Setting him up for trouble
In some extreme cases, women may resort to involving others, such as authorities or gangs, to harm their partners as a form of punishment or to ‘teach them a lesson.
This action can have severe consequences for all parties involved.
7. Taking everything when separating
A common occurrence, especially in urban settings, is when a woman packs up everything in the house and leaves the home without notice.
This act is often intended to leave the man feeling helpless, confused, and emotionally devastated.
8. Leaving a young child behind
In moments of intense disagreement, some women may leave a very young child, perhaps a month or two old, with their partner.
This act aims to assert control or inflict emotional pain, suggesting that the man needs her more than he thinks.
9. Taking all the children away
Without proper communication, some women may abruptly take all the children and leave, making it difficult for the man to maintain a relationship with his kids.
This action is intended to exert power and control over the situation.
10. Disrespect in front of friends
In the company of friends, some individuals may intentionally disrespect their partners.
This could be a way of seeking validation from friends, gaining support for their perspective, or demonstrating control over the relationship.
‘Smoking shisha can cause breast cancer’ – Doctor cautions
Popular doctor, Dr. Aproko, has issued precautions to women who are fond of smoking shisha.
Dr. Aproko has stressed that contrary to popular belief that shisha soothes one’s mood, it can have major health implications on individuals, particularly, women.
According to him, the use of Shisha may cause cell distortions in the body, raising the chance of cancer-causing mutations.
He argues that these flavors frequently contain chemicals that are harmful to one’s body.
Tackling other health concerns including obesity, Aproko Doctor also advised that walking is a successful and healthy method of losing weight.
He has asked individuals to walk instead of taking buses or cars because regular, long walks can aid in weight loss.
#NoBraDay-What is its significance?
October 13th is celebrated annually as National ‘No Bra Day’ in a bid to promote body positivity and breast cancer awareness.
What began as a social media campaign to promote self-love has transformed into a meaningful movement urging women to go braless for the day, emphasising the importance of breast cancer education, self-examination, and preventive measures.
Originally observed on July 9, 2011, National No Bra Day has found its permanent home on October 13 to align with Breast Cancer Month. This observance serves as a reminder for women to prioritize their breast health and engage in conversations about early detection and prevention.
The core mission of No Bra Day is to create awareness surrounding breast cancer, fostering a culture of understanding and support.
Women are encouraged to embrace the day by forgoing bras, sparking conversations about breast health, and advocating for regular self-examinations and screenings.
Breast cancer remains a significant global health concern, and initiatives like National No Bra Day play a crucial role in educating and empowering individuals.
By leveraging the power of social media and community participation, this movement continues to gain traction each year, amplifying its impact on breast cancer awareness.
National No Bra Day collectively contributes to the ongoing dialogue about breast health through shared experiences and open conversations with the aim to break down stigmas, encourage early detection, and support those affected by breast cancer.